G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA

Written by Stuart Beattie, David Elliot and Paul Lovett
Directed by Stephen Sommers
Starring Channing Tatum, Sienna Miller, Marlon Wayans, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Denis Quaid


The Baroness: Would you look at that? Real American heroes.

I’m not American but the G.I. Joe’s were certainly heroes of mine when I was a young boy. After the financial success of the TRANSFORMERS movies, it was pretty clear that a G.I. Joe movie could not have been far behind. That said, after the Transformers of my childhood were so butchered and chopped up into easily chewable bits, I wrote off any hopes that the G.I. Joe franchise would be any better. I gave up entirely when I heard that Stephen Sommers, director of THE MUMMY, was going to helm. But here we are, finally facing the release of G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA and I find myself not surprisingly repulsed by the return of G.I. Joe. Instead, I find myself oddly enjoying myself. It is completely mindless but it is constant action that is as explosive as it is loud. With the barrage of noise and fresh visuals coming at you non-stop, it’s hard to notice, let alone care, that there isn’t very much depth.


G.I. JOE could easily be just another terrorist flick and, on many levels, it still is. What it needs to differentiate itself is personality. The characters really have to pop and impress with their special talents in order to become memorable and relevant. For the most part, the cast – from Channing Tatum as the new guy with a lot of promise, Duke, to Sienna Miller, as the bad girl with a penchant for hot shoes, The Baroness – does their part. There isn’t much being asked of them past owning their confidence and playing their lines as smoothly as possible but coming off cool is half the battle here. These are the elite after all; I would expect nothing less of them than being constantly on top of their games and not fussing their hair while they’re in direct combat with each other. It having been some time since I actually last saw an episode of the cartoon this film is based on, I can’t say that I recall all of the interpersonal relationships that lay the foundation of dramatic tension for the film (Duke and The Baroness used to be engaged?) but with as many as there are, the sequels, and there will be sequels, have plenty to play with.


Not all of the characters stand out and lead me to wonder why they bothered writing in these particular characters out of the dozens of possibilities if they intended to do nothing with them. Still, it isn’t just about character; there are also plenty of toys to play with. G.I. JOE is definitely not short on cutting edge visuals. While none of them are particularly earth shattering, what there is, there is plenty of. The coolest of the crowd and the central piece of artillery in the film are the nanomytes. These mechanical insects can invade a human body and eat disease but they can also eat through whole cities unless a killswitch is pulled to call them off. The Joes and their mortal enemies, Cobra, duke it out (HA!) for possession of these little buggers and their efforts take them all over the globe, from the Sahara desert to the polar ice caps to midtown Paris and Washington and they do it all in style.


G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA never elevates past its conventional construction to feel truly like the birth of an exciting new franchise but Cobra's rise is definitely a daunting one and they prove that they are not to be toyed with. Sure, there’s a prerequisite training sequence set to the song, “Bang a Gong” and a completely useless cameo appearance by Brandon Fraser but the action itself more than makes up for any of this. It passes the summer junk bar by enough to be good late summer fare. And after all, G.I. JOE is a summer blockbuster above all else so what more is there to hope for. So, now you know all there is to know about G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA and we all know what knowing is, don’t we?

SMART PEOPLE

Written by Mark Poirier
Directed by Noam Murro
Starring Dennis Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker, Thomas Haden Church and Ellen Page


Vanessa Wetherhold: What is it like being stupid?
Brooke: It’s like sitting alone at lunch every day.

For a movie about supposedly clever individuals, SMART PEOPLE isn’t very smart. In fact, it shows its lack of intelligence almost instantly when it opens with a sequence of scenes that establish what a self-involved, miserable jackass college professor, Lawrence Wetherhold (Dennis Quaid) is, with the subtlety of an international fireworks competition. He can’t remember the names of his students. He can’t be bothered to honour his office hours. He doesn’t even have the time of day for his adopted brother, Chuck (Thomas Haden Church). He is coarse with everyone he meets and shows disdain for everything life throws at him. First time filmmaker, Noam Munro, then expects us to dig deep into our already put off hearts and find some sympathy for this devil of a man. Barely five minutes have passed and you know exactly what to expect. Lawrence will meet a girl before long and she will show him that as smart as he thinks he is, he’s got oh so much more to learn about living and loving life. Seeing as how the premise is overdone and the man in desperate need of change is completely unlikable, I’m thinking they might have wanted to put a little more thought into this one before declaring it smart.


And find a woman, Lawrence does. After suffering a concussion from falling off a fence, Lawrence is reconnected with a former student of his that went on to become an E.R. doctor, Janet Hartigan (Sarah Jessica Parker). Reconnected is not exactly the right choice of words as he does not remember her whatsoever. He is not the least bit kind to her, just like when he was her professor way back when, and all of their interactions are awkward and unsatisfying. Yet, she shows no hesitation when he asks her out for a “face to face” (that’s smart people talk for “date”). First time screenwriter, Mark Poirier, might want to look up the meaning of “motivation”. What incentive is there for this successful doctor to go out with this pompous man? While we’re on the subject, why does a man so content in his misery suddenly make a move toward potential happiness? Smart, well-rounded characters make their own decisions and do things for a reason. These types of script progressions make sense and create meaning instead of simply serving the plot. In this scenario, we are left to watch a relationship grow out of nothing and therefore have no stake in its success.


As if Lawrence’s obnoxious presence weren’t enough, he seems to have passed on all of his “better” traits to his teenage daughter, Vanessa (Ellen Page). Vanessa excels at everything she does and does not for a moment let life get in the way of these successes. Not surprisingly, she has no life outside of this. Having lost her mother an undetermined time ago, she desperately craves her father’s approval and attention. Thankfully for her, her uncle, Chuck, can come to her emotional rescue just like Dr. Hartigan is doing for her Dad. Thankfully for us, all the actors involved are talented enough to bring as much depth as is physically possible to these thin characters. Now we have a detestable father-daughter duo and two saviors. What we don’t have is a reason to care. While it makes sense for Vanessa to emulate her role model, we still have no idea why Lawrence is so unhappy. Seeing as how he can’t seem to part with his dead wife’s clothes, one could infer that he gave up after her death but he was apparently just as loathsome in his earlier teaching days. The story seems to be pushing him to get over something but doesn’t bother establishing what it is he has to get over.


SMART PEOPLE seems to imply that people who are smart do not know how to be happy, are completely selfish individuals and essentially think that they are better than everyone else. Not only have these inferences been made countless times but they are also the worst kinds of clichés, the kinds that are based on ignorance and untruths. Murro and Poirier jump in and out of moments in these characters’ experiences without explaining how they got there, why we should care or where they’ll go when it is all done. All they seem concerned with is making their hackneyed point and using as many big words as possible in the process. In the end, SMART PEOPLE is just plain dumb.