Hump-Day Harangue: It's Official, the Saturns Are Bullshit

Forgive the salty language in my title tonight, Vault Dwellers, but your host for all things horror is biting mad. Why, you ask? Well, it might have something to do with the newly announced winners of the 2009 Saturn Awards, handed out mere hours ago. And the fact that the winner for Best Horror Film was.... Hellboy II: The Golden Army.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army. It's official, people. The Saturns no longer have any credibility when it comes to horror! I'm calling it--June 25, 2009, 3:01 A.M.

Don't get me wrong, I loves me some Hellboy. Guillermo del Toro is a mad genius, and his latest Hellboy sequel brilliantly transitioned the series from Lovecraft to Tolkien. Enjoyed every second of it, as did my pint-sized protege/son. An underrated movie that deserved more box office love than it got.

But Hellboy II is barely horror-related, being more of a fantasy action flick than anything else. Sure there are monsters and whatnot, but horror? I'm all for stretching the definition of horror. But not this year. Not when there were so many unbelievable true horror films put out there.

Have we forgotten so soon? The year 2008 gave us The Midnight Meat Train. Eden Lake. Martyrs. The Strangers. Repo! The Genetic Opera. The Ruins. And what was for my money the finest film of the entire year hands down, horror or otherwise, Let the Right One In. And you're going to tell me that the movie that wins out is a fantasy/action/comedy with some vague horror-ish elements thrown in? This is buffoonery of the highest order.

The Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films has really dropped the ball here. I mean, there have been Saturns bestowed that have made me scratch my head, and wonder if it was even necessary to give them out to anyone at all, but this one is beyond head-scratching. This one is just negligent.

The film that should've won, Let the Right One In, was instead given the patronizing Best International Film award. But I say, why couldn't it have won both? Hell, I would've been satisfied had ANY of the flicks mentioned two paragraphs up walked away with the prize. But it's almost as if the Academy went out of its way to reward a movie that was furthest from horror out of anything nominated.

Past winners have hinted to me that this organization is out of touch, but this is the clincher. These people wouldn't know good horror if it jumped up from behind and ate their brains out.

And that means only one thing, as far as I'm concerned. That's right, it means that the Cyber-Horror Awards now have more credibility than the Saturns when it comes to our genre of choice! And to that I say, huzzah! I had a blast doing them the first time, and I'm already looking forward to next year's awards. And now that I know that the Saturns are worthless, the pressure is really on...

The Thirteen Most Badass Heroes in Horror

RayRay is back again, true believers, and this time I am bringing you my exclusive list of the 13 greatest horror movie heroes. Why thirteen? Why not? And thirteen is a pretty scary number, so I am going with it. Or maybe I couldn’t come up with 15. Whatever.

This list was inspired by B-Sol’s post a short while ago regarding his top ten favorite horror movies characters, and I realized that there was only one protagonist. Since then I have thought deeply about the subject of the protagonist, and realized there were too many. So I decided to go for the heroes.

In any event, I want all to know I do not think this list is exhaustive, and would like stir some discussion on the topic. I surely missed some great horror heroes, and want to hear about it.

Also, I want to let everyone know this list is not about the final girl, or last survivor, or the best scream queen. This list is reserved for characters that saw the evil with their own eyes and went out to confront it, and then did so in as badass a manner as humanly (or superhumanly) possible, and often paid the ultimate price for their heroism.

So, without any further delay:

13) Dr. Sam Loomis (Halloween, 1978, Halloween II, 1981)
Dr. Loomis, played by the wonderful Donald Pleasance, did it more with his brains rather than brawn. But he was also the only person to realize the depth of the evil in Myers, and realized he had to try to keep him locked away. When he realized that was impossible, he knew he had to confront his patient, and knew he had to pack heat to do so. And when it came to it, he also knew he had to sacrifice himself to do the deed. [After the sequel, the series sorta dumbed down a lot].

12) Alice (Resident Evil, 2002, etc.)
Milla’s Alice, one of the few heroes on the list that could do a swimsuit calendar, is one lady you don’t want to mess with. She deals with the chemically undead caused by the T-virus handily, never backing down. She is a bad broad, and as the series went onward, only got badder.

11) John Constantine (Constantine, 2005)
Maybe you hate Keanu, and maybe you didn’t think this was the best movie. But to be real, the man is accursed and condemned to Hell, yet in thrall to God, and still wrestles demons like hillbillies rassle ‘gators, and is one of the few humans that can tell Satan to shove it. Plus, the crucifix-come-shotgun is a badass weapon.

10) Hellboy (Hellboy, 2004)
Hellboy, played by Hollywood’s man in makeup, Ron Perlman, is a super, duper badass. He has it all: no looks, one good hand, and a Good Samaritan. Plus, he can speak to the dead. Being the son of Satan, yet fighting for the good guys has to wear on a guy’s psyche, but that has not stopped ol’ Red yet. Few of our heroes can deliver a snappy line while fighting creatures of Lovecraftian terror, like Samiel, The Desolate One.

9) Michael (Dawn of the Dead, 2004)
Michael, played by Jake Weber, is the Superego awash in Id at the Crossroads Shopping Mall. He keeps his cool, puts the other hormonally challenged males in their place, and quietly becomes the leader of the small band of survivors. He faces the horror of the situation without fear, and when his chips are cashed, he walks away from the table with a nary a complaint.

8) Dutch (Predator, 1987)
I am sure I will hear it that this is not really a horror movie, but if not, then neither is Godzilla. In any event, Dutch, one of Ahnold’s best played roles, is a super badass. First, he and his team dispose of an entire company of bad guys, and then, like little Indians, his squad is picked off. But does Dutch panic? No, he tells the little Commie girl to get to the chopper, and then takes care of business. Which is not a problem, except business is 7 feet tall and packs a small nuke. Just for surviving, Dutch makes the list.

7) Wray (Planet Terror, 2007)
Not only does Freddie Rodriguez’s Wray never miss, he makes his girl Cherry Darling into a walking zombie destroyer. But before she rules the wasteland, he has to take care of business, which includes taking out most of the zombies in Texas. Though his origins aren’t clear, what is is that Wray was an undercover agent and/or commando, and if killing was his business……

6) Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs, 1991)
Jodie Foster’s Starling is at once a delicate, pale West Virginian girl running from demons, and at the same time a vicious hellcat with a big brain. She not only figured out who he was, she single-handedly went after Buffalo Bill into his lair. Not for the faint of heart. And while she did get a little lucky that Bill was cocky, as they say: fortune favors the bold. And most importantly, she was the music to tame the most savage of hearts, that of the good doctor’s.

5) Professor Abraham Van Helsing (Bram Stoker’s Dracula, 1992)
Sir Anthony’s Van Helsing was, in my humble opinion, the version of the character played with the most vim and vigor. While stodgy and old, he was nonetheless the most knowledgeable of the vampire hunters, as well as the one who stiffened the others’ backbones for the hunt and kill of “wampyres…….nosferatu……” Not to mention he seemed to get a kick out of it, and the slaying of the blood sucking undead never seemed to bother his appetite for rare beef or strong, dark ales. My kind of guy!

4) Father’s Merrin & Karras (The Exorcist, 1973)
For this one there is a double bill. I could not decided which of Pazuzu’s nemeses to choose, so I went with both. Max von Sydow’s Merrin brought gravity and professorial steadiness, while Jason Miller’s Karras was devotional anger at the defilement of innocence. Both priests fought for the soul of young Regan, no matter what temporal torments, or whose voice, the demon threw at them. And in their single combats each paid the ultimate price for that little girl, but they succeeded.

3) Ash (Evil Dead I-II, Army of Darkness, 1992)
I know this is going to get me grief. Ash is only number 3?!! Sorry, kiddies, but at least he cracked this rarified air. Hey, if asswhippery were a religion, Ash would be the patron saint. He also gets points for introducing the phrase “pillow talk” to medieval Europe. But the man can’t remember 7 lousy syllables. However, he did lop off his own hand, and he can handle a rifle like few others. And he saved the world in both the 13th and 20th centuries, so he gets to be in the high pantheon. Plus, being the King of the One Liners makes him that much more awesome.

2) Ellen Ripley (Alien 1979, Aliens 1986, etc.)
Sigourney Weaver’s Ellen Ripley is the very first female action hero. She goes from junior officer on a doomed interstellar freighter to leading a bunch of badass space marines, to the savior of mankind. Not only does she tangle with one of the most fearsome creatures man ever encountered in the stars, she wins. And she only got angrier and more badass as the series went along, though the quality of the movies declined as an inverse proportion to her badassery. Notwithstanding, she took the Queen on, woman to woman, and it was no small feat to have defeated such an implacable, indefatigable foe. Especially one so pissed off.

1) R.J. McReady (The Thing, 1982)
Kurt Russell’s McReady, the surly, Scotch swilling, chess playing chopper pilot at
Outpost 31, is number 1 on this list. This may be controversial, but that’s why people do silly lists like this. McReady is number 1 because a) he faces what I consider to be the scariest monster of all time, b) he does it in the worst conditions I can think of, c) he rapidly realizes the gravity of the situation and does not lose his mind (unlike Blair, who does, or Fuchs, who commit suicide), and computes that this is a battle for the planet. He also gets that if they lose, humanity is gone. He takes control in a situation more suited to madness, never loses his cool, and is willing to pay the ultimate price from the word go. That, and he is handy with a flamethrower.

So there it is, true believers. I look forward to hearing from all the Vault Dwellers on how awesome I am for making this list. I hope you enjoy chewing it over as much as I enjoyed making it. Until next time……..

Will There Be a Hellboy 3?

For the time being, all thought of a third installment in the fan-favorite Hellboy series from Universal seems to have been put on hold. For a couple of reasons.

Although just as well-done as the original, and a box office improvement, Hellboy 2 still fell a bit short of studio expectations. Also, director Guillermo del Toro recently made headlines by announcing that he is now completely booked for the next nine years. As of now, Hellboy 3 is not included amongst his upcoming projects, which means that if he ever returns to complete what he has described as a trilogy--which he has said he wants to eventually do--it will not be for another decade, at which point star Ron Perlman would be nearly 60. Indiana Hellboy, anyone?

At the m0ment, Del Toro is totally immersed in working on The Hobbit with producer Peter Jackson, as well as a follow-up to chronicle the events between that film and The Lord of the Rings trilogy. That's expected to occupy him for the next five years. After that, he turns his sights to some classic monster revamping--namely a long-discussed Frankenstein film and a new take on Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. Then comes a new, "more faithful" (don't they always say that?) version of Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five, and an adaptation of the forthcoming historical novel Drood by the superb Dan Simmons. And finally, Del Toro's own pet project, an adaptation of At the Mountains of Madness, a seminal work by H.P. Lovecraft.

All exciting projects, to be sure, and Del Toro looks to be positioned as the next Lucas/Speilberg by the end of it. But no HB in sight. Oh, crap.

WEEKEND BOX OFFICE: Hellboy's Fury

This weekend ushered in a rare occurrence at the North American box office. Hollywood decided to unleash three wide releases on the unsuspecting public all at once. Two at a time seems to be Hollywood’s healthy level of comfort. Either one will win or both will find their own audiences. But three? At the same time? Did they really think there was that much money to go around? Turns out, not so much. Two titles succeeded while one was forced to subside – which is a nice way to say that two scored while one flopped hard.

Pulling in over $10 million more in its opening weekend than its predecessor, HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY managed to narrowly squeeze out last week’s champ, HANCOCK. Critics across the board have embraced director, Guillermo del Toro’s follow-up to the Oscar winning, PAN'S LABYRINTH, and audiences followed, proving that the critic’s word is final. Meanwhile, proving that the critic’s word is meaningless, critically panned Hancock managed a very reasonable 47% decline in its second week. Had Sony not passed on the Hellboy sequel, it could have held down both of the top spots this week.

Sure on the surface, JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH looks like a cheap way to wet the public’s appetite for more 3D projects and hardly a film that can sustain an engaging story but audiences ate it up anyway. Actually, critics did too. Mostly positive response led to a larger than expected debut in third place this week. And so the future looks bright for 3D thrills. The best part about all of this … the movie magicians have finally found a way to infuse Brandon Fraser with that last dimension his acting has always been lacking.

Now, on to the loser, Eddie Murphy in MEET DAVE. Posting his lowest numbers since THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH, Murphy flops in seventh place with a pathetic per screen average under $2K. You will get no sympathy from me, Mr. Murphy. This is what you deserve for signing on to make a project where you are the captain of a teeny tiny alien ship that crashes on earth into the body of a human version of yourself. In fact, I think you should be happy to have made as much as you did. Now, I don’t want to see you again until they revive the BEVERLY HILLS COP series. Are we clear?

All this success and all this over crowding should have meant a strong overall showing at the box office but ultimately ticket sales were down 17% over the same frame last year. In this case, more certainly did not amount to more.

NEXT WEEK: I think it’s fairly obvious to anyone with half a monkey brain that SPACE CHIMPS will take next weekend by storm. I mean, maybe MAMMA MIA! might manage a strong second place finish if the counter-programming angle works in their favour. What other options are there anyway? There’s that bat movie, THE DARK KNIGHT, but who wants to see that? Wait. This just in … EVERYONE wants to see that little bat movie.

Hellboy Visits the Actor's Studio

Some hilarious stuff here, which I stumbled across on Ain't It Cool News. Thought I'd pass it along:



Pretty classic. I remain in major Hellboy II expectation mode.

Alright, back to my decidedly un-horrific Walt Disney World family vacation. Don't ever say I didn't look out for ya, Vault Dwellers!

The Golden Army Approaches! Hellboy II Third Trailer

Having recently rediscovered the first Hellboy on DVD after forgetting just how terrific it was, I'm more stoked than I thought I would be for Hellboy II: The Golden Army, out in two weeks. The always-reliable Apple.com unleashed the latest trailer for the Guillermo del Toro comic adaptation sequel last night. Check it out:



I continue to be impressed. Del Toro is a great filmmaker who'd be great no matter what kind of films he chose to make. The fact that he revels in genre filmmaking is a boon to fans everywhere. If you'd like to see more, there's a fantastic comics-style "animated prologue" at Apple's Hellboy II page that takes us back to 1955, when the story of the Golden Army was first told to the young Hellboy. (While you're there, you can also watch the trailer with better resolution.)

Hellboy to Duke It Out with Drac, Frankie & the Gang?

Ever since the Hellboy property came over to Universal, the rumors on the net have been swirling about the possibility that Universal's most cherished cinematic creations, the famed "Universal monsters" of the studio's classic 1930s-1950s horror films, might cross over into the world of everyone's favorite crimson ass-kicker. Feeding into these rumors has been director Guillermo del Toro's professed long-time love for these icons of the genre.

The rumors of Hellboy doing battle with the likes of Dracula, the Frankenstein Monster, the Wolf Man, the Mummy and the Creature from the Black Lagoon were further solidified earlier this week at the premiere of 30 Days of Night, when IESB.net cornered Mike Richardson, publisher of the Hellboy comic book and owner of Dark Horse Entertainment, to find out what we can expect from Hellboy 2. You can see the video interview for yourself here. Richardson states that such

a crossover is in fact being discussed, and it's clear from his reaction that it's more than mere speculation at this point.

Expect Hellboy 2 to hit theaters next summer. Also expect to witness the biggest silver screen battle royal since Godzilla took on King Kong.

On a side note, The Vault of Horror acknowledges the passing today of the great Joey Bishop, last of the fabled Rat Pack.

And on another side note, for all the horror/wrestling crossover fans out there, be sure and pick up the Dec. 2007 issue of Pro Wrestling Illustrated, on sale now--cover story by yours truly...